My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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