It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
