I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Randomize
