apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
