on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
