As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
