So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
