phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize