I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
