maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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