FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
