p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
