So gin and wine won't be happening again
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
