'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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