I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
