Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
