A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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