No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
