Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
