The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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