I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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