$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
