My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
