Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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