You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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