His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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