It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
