When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
