The brown eye won't let me do that either.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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