I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
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