ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
