So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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