yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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