If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
