We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
