Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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