I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
