His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
