I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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