nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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