that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
