He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
