You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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