I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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