i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
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