Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
