I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
