dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Randomize
