this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
