also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
