I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Randomize
