Christians are straight up FREAKS
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
