rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
