guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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