sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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