nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Randomize
