I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
