Umm I'm too high to move.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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