He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
